Dear Rappers
This is our Rap Point 1:
Ministry of Magic Investigative Report
Date: 29th August 2003
Investigated item: Garden Gnome
Item location: 304 Com-Post Road, One Stick Hill
Current owner: Mr and Mrs Pip Squeak
Description:
- Big tummy
- White beard
- Fishing rod in left hand
- Black boots
- Prefers black sunglasses
- Professor Lockhart teeth
- Missing ear from dog fight
- Wears purple, sparkly nail polish
Problem:
- Chews up plants
- Makes stick houses
- Screams insults at people
- Creates endless compost from plants
- Acts as a decoy for real gnomes
Mr and Mrs Pip Squeak have reported a garden gnome problem. Their gnomes are creating havoc in the gardens.
Gardener Ima Garden witnessed the gnomes running about building houses and making compost. When she tried to catch one for closer inspection, the seven other gnomes, dressed in black suits and sunglasses, tied her up and put Ms. Garden into the garbage bin.
Postman Red Letter experienced trauma as he got off his motorcycle and it was immediately hijacked by a gnome in black. He was also chased by the motorcycle until it was run out of fuel. Passer-bys also heard rude insults coming from the garden and nearly all of them were set upon by gnomes.
Evaluation:
The previous owner, Adriel Dung (!967-????), a fanatical witch gardener, wanted to create compost for growing he magical roses. She bewitched twelve garden gnomes (muggle kind) to make compost. But things got out of hand as the garden gnomes overwhelmed Adriel and attempted to turn her into compost. The attempt failed and Ms. Dung is spending due time in St. Mungos.
Recommendation:
Hold a gnome exchange campaign so that all the out of control gnomes can be rounded up.Owners come and get gnomes 'updated' and changed (if they wish).
Name of investigator: Kipling Andrews
Signature: Kipling Andrews
Footnote: Closer inspection of the gnome shows it will not part with sunglasses or fishing rod.
Other items for inspection:
Mobile phone: Makes prank calls by itself. It sends howlers and insults to people. It sings even when switched off. It orders accessories which appear in the mail.
Gassy drink: Makes the drinker fly to the moon. When they burp they fly back down somewhere unknown.
Washing machine: Has an anti-sock complex. spits out socks at passers-by and dirties clothes instead of washing them. It screams 'ewwww!' at particularly dirty garments and cries out insults when in use.
Bye for now
M.O.M. (Ministry of Muggles)
Hornsby Girls' High School.
